Attention All Employees!

1. Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially and, therefore, do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you can buy nicer clothes and, therefore, do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and, therefore, you do not need a raise.

2. Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's note proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

3. Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

4. Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to any necessary funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

5. Potty Breaks

Entirely too much time is being spent in the potty. There is now a strict three-minute limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

6. Lunch Breaks

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look health. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that is more than enough time to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thanking you in advance for your compliance to these new policies and loyalty to the company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience for you. Therefore, all input, questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, and consternation should be KEPT TO YOURSELF. Remember, ask not what the company can do for you but rather, what you can do for the company.

Have a nice day!