The photos were taken by my daughter and I created the poster.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
1. Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially and, therefore, do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you can buy nicer clothes and, therefore, do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and, therefore, you do not need a raise.
2. Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's note proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
3. Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
4. Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to any necessary funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
5. Potty Breaks
Entirely too much time is being spent in the potty. There is now a strict three-minute limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
6. Lunch Breaks
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look health. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that is more than enough time to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thanking you in advance for your compliance to these new policies and loyalty to the company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience for you. Therefore, all input, questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, and consternation should be KEPT TO YOURSELF. Remember, ask not what the company can do for you but rather, what you can do for the company.
Have a nice day!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
This is for all of the kids who survived growing up in the
1930's, 1940's, 1950's, 1960's, and 1970's...
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us in the womb. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then, after that trauma, our cribs were covered with brightly colored lead-based paints. Childproofing a home was unheard of... there were no "impossible to open" caps on medicine bottles or "locks of any kind" on cabinet doors.
When we rode our bikes, we had no helmets... not to mention, the risks we took with our younger siblings riding on the handlebars. As children, we rode in cars with no car seats, seat belts, or air bags. And, riding on the back of a ute on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from a garden hose and not from a bottle! We shared one soft drink with four friends from one bottle and no one actually died from it.
We ate cupcakes, white bread with real butter, and drank soft drinks with sugar in it... but, we weren't overweight because we were outside playing! We would leave home in the morning and play all day. As long as we were back when the street lights came on, no one was able to reach us all day and we were actually okay!
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride down a hill, only to find out we forgot to make some brakes for the thing. After running into the bushes (or worst) a few times, we learned how to solve the problem! We did not have cable TV with 100+ channels, DVDs, CDs, MP3s, cell phones, computers, email, or the internet. We had friends and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given slingshots for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes in the process.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door, rang the bell, or just walked in to talk with them. Under 12 footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn how to deal with disappointment. Imagine that! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of... they actually sided with the law!
The 1930's to 1970's has brought forth some of the best inventors, problem-solvers, and risk-takers ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had consequences, failure, freedom, responsibility, success, and we learned how to deal with it all! And, YOU are one of the survivors! Give yourself a hand clap!
You might want to share this with others who were lucky enough to grow up as kids before the lawmakers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. While you're at it, tell your children (and their children, if you're a grandparent) so they will know how brave you were back then. It kinda makes you wanna run through the house with scissors even now, don't it (smile)?
Watch your step!
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