If Looks Could Kill *

Who is Roger Stephens?

Last month, you may recall that I did a post about the First Daughters and the "do and don'ts" that most of us already know when it comes to appropriate behavior toward other people's children. Obviously, Roger Stephens did not read that post and from the look on his face in the above photo, even if he had, he may not have given a damn anyway.

For the benefit of anyone who may not be familiar with this news story, a report came out of Stone Mountain, GA last week that a man was arrested for slapping a crying child, a little girl, in the face several times after warning the child's mother... "If you don't shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you." Apparently, 61 year old Roger Stephens was fed up with crying children while he tried to shop at his local area Wal-Mart and had reached his boiling point when he heard 2 year old Paige Matthews crying and throwing a temper tantrum.

According to the police report that was filed, Stephens walked up to the mother and warned her to keep her child quiet. Moments later, Stephens met the woman and her still crying child on another aisle and allegedly slapped the little girl four or five times in the face. Then, Stephens told the mother... “See, I told you I would shut her up.” He has been charged with felony cruelty to children and is currently being held without bond. Also noted in the police report, Stephens later apologized to the mother and despite having a red mark on her face from being slapped, little Paige was unharmed and she is doing fine. Stephens is expected to be back in court on September 8th.

If this news story wasn't shocking enough, what I find even more disturbing is the amount of people out there on the internet, including the parents of crying children, who can relate and/or agree with Stephens' reaction to the crying child. Many news websites that reported this story encouraged comments and feedback from people by asking questions such as these... Tell us what you think? Have you ever been so frustrated with a stranger's crying child that you felt like slapping the child? Should the mother have tried to quiet her child down out of respect for the people around her?

One such example that I found was a blogger mom who claimed that she could "kinda (sorta) identify" with Stephens and here is an excerpt from a post that she wrote in response to the recent news story:

...I was on an overnight transatlantic flight with my then 2 year old son and 3 year old daughter. My son, never great at sitting still, was wiggling and whining, and no amount of distraction, bribing, Spongebob DVDs, begging, or food-plying made any difference. The lights on the flight went out and everyone settled for uncomfortable coach-class sleep but, my kid kept up the whining. I handed him to his father across the aisle but, it didn't help.

Finally, the man in the row behind us, a tall, beefy guy who easily had 50lbs over my husband, stood up, put his hands on the back of my husband's seat, and screamed at the top of his lungs, "SHUT UP!" I bet that what he really wanted to say was, "If you don't shut that kid up, I'm going to shut him up for you." He didn't slap him but boy, you could see in his eyes that he wanted to do it.

Was I incensed as a mother? You'd better believe it. But, here's a secret: As I looked at the stunned and quiet little face of my son, there was another emotion wiggling its way to life--relief. My son was asleep within 10 minutes...

Even though I can appreciate the fact that this blogger mom may have felt relieved that her son finally quieted down and went to sleep once the irate stranger "screamed" at him, I am amazed that she or her husband did not address the inappropriate response of the passenger because they did do what they could to get the child to be still and quiet down. Also, they were not able to remove the child from the situation because they were on a plane. In a perfect world, their efforts should have been enough to resolve the situation but, this is not a perfect world and children aren't perfect either.

I am not clear on whether or not Wal-Mart mom tried to stop her child from crying because of conflicting news reports. But, what I do know is this... no matter what the circumstances, no one should take it upon themselves to physically discipline someone else's child or speak to them in an inappropriate manner, such as the passenger on the plane. What? Patience and a little tolerance on the part of the other passenger wasn't even a consideration or option here? And, don't even get me started on people who don't have any children to speak of in their lives... they are the worst!

I've been the mother of a small child and now, I have grandchildren. I've also had more than my share of moments with crying and challenging children, just like Wal-Mart mom and blogger mom. However, I don't know if I or my husband would've handled the passenger on the plane as well as blogger mom and dad, whether we could "identify" with his feelings or not. As for Stephens, I don't know what Wal-Mart mom did but, I think it's pretty safe to say that I would have been arrested right along with him because my natural "reflex reaction" would have been to assault him back in defense of my small child or grandchild.

My husband offered some opinions about these incidents as well. It is his feeling that Stephens wouldn't have dared slapped the child in Wal-Mart if the father had been present. In the case of the passenger on the plane, blogger mom explained that he was about 50lbs heavier than her husband. My husband questions if the passenger would have screamed at the child if the father was equal to or greater than him in size. In his opinion, both of these men showed signs of classic "bully" syndrome and should've been taken to task for their actions. In both instances, there were other people present who no doubt shared their feelings of discontent but, these two men were the only ones who acted on those feelings.

So, where is the middle ground when these situations occur? Well, here is an interesting piece that was submitted to a website called Associated Content. Apparently, this has been a hot topic on the internet for quite a while and a large part of the population is extremely frustrated with not only "Wal-Mart mom with crying child" syndrome but, all children who have difficulty behaving pubically in general. This offering of helpful tips, which claims to encourage people to confront such situations "head-on" but in a positive way, was done back in 2006... long before Stephens, little Paige, and her mom crossed paths in Wal-Mart.

After reading through it, I couldn't help but wonder if something like this would have made a difference in the way that Stephens responded to the child who was tirelessly crying while he tried to shop in peace and quiet? I'm also wondering if these tips adequately respect the dignity and rights of "both sides"? For the most part, I think the tips are within reason but, there are a few that I question. If you live long enough, most of us will find ourselves on both sides of this issue at different times in life and you should receive these tips in the same way. The bottom line is, like it or not, we have to find a way to co-exist together without verbally attacking and/or assaulting other people's children... and, as far as I'm concerned, that is not open to interpretation or negotiation.

* Footnote: But, we must remember not to judge a book by its cover.




10 Tips For Saying What Everyone Else Is Thinking

1. Do your best to identify who is actually responsible for the child. If it’s not immediately clear, you could start with a question like:

· Excuse me, is this your child?
· Pardon me, are you the adult responsible for this child?

The latter question is better because it subtly reminds the person they are an adult and that they are supposed to be in control of the child.

2. Describe the child’s behavior specifically. Instead of saying, "Your child is a total brat!" or "What a terror! or You should keep that child on a leash!", use more neutral language. Phrases like “I noticed” or “I wanted to let you know that I saw….” are good sentence starters. Then, describe what the child is actually doing: Taking merchandise off the shelves, throwing food, screaming loudly, grabbing other people, etc. While the parents may still be offended by your comment, you’re putting it as objectively as possible:

· I noticed that your child is throwing shampoo bottles in the other aisle.
· I wanted to let you know that your child is persistently screaming very loudly.
· Excuse me, your child is licking my leg!

On some occasions, parents are aware of what’s happening and they just don’t think anyone else has noticed. This step in confronting parents ensures that they know other people have noticed their child's behavior.

3. Help the parents connect their child's behavior with a negative effect on other people. This is the part that should be obvious, but the parent may need to be reminded of the connection. Again, be specific without being too accusatory. The parent will probably be embarrassed or angry enough at your approach anyway. Consider:

. Your child’s noise is disrupting dinner for those of us sitting near you.
· This child is dismantling the store’s display and creating a messy aisle for other shoppers.
· I am really bothered that your child keeps touching me.

These statements are firm yet, still phrased in a reasonably polite manner.

4. If appropriate, draw attention to a safety concern that may activate the parents’ protective mode. Sometimes, you can do this slyly and make it sound like your primary concern is for the child. And, who knows? Maybe it is. For example, wet floors, escalators, hot coffee, and germs are all potential safety hazards that you can use. Try:

· I saw your child running by the escalator and was concerned that he/she might fall.
· A lot of people have hot coffee on their tables and I wouldn’t want to see your child get burned.
· I just didn’t want to see your child slip on the wet floor.

Try to sound sincere, even if your ire is provoked. Whether this step of confrontation is authentic or just a cover, appear as genuine as possible.

5. For your own safety, never touch someone else’s child! If the child touches you, be careful not to push or interact with him/her in a threatening way. Remember that it is the parents who are at fault for their lack of monitoring and the child should not be punished by you. Do not touch someone else’s screaming, sniffling child in any way. Do not try to lead an errant child by the hand or anything else that could get misinterpreted as abduction, abuse, etc. Just direct your firm but polite comments to the parent. And in the case of safety hazards, remember that, legally, there is almost never a “duty to rescue” unless it is imposed by a natural or contractual relationship to the child (parent, nanny, teacher, etc.).

6. Give the parents of children the opportunity to correct a situation before you start into your schpiel. If a child is screaming loudly for only five seconds before a parent begins to discipline the child for the behavior, then you don’t really need to confront. If the child picks up a shampoo bottle and starts throwing it, give the parents a few seconds to realize what is happening and put a stop to it. When confronting parents, wait long enough to determine that they are either unaware of or unconcerned about their child's behavior. Depending on the context, this can be 15 seconds or 3 minutes. Use your judgment. It’s only worth saying something if the child has truly been a legitimate disruption to you or others around you.

7. Remember the context. If you’re at Chuck E. Cheese or in the kiddie section of the library, you’ll have to put up with children because the setting is a child-centered one where some conventions of behavior are bent in favour of kids. However, most retail stores, public transit, and other public spaces are not specially designated for kids. So, feel free to confront parents about their children in those settings.

8. Don’t berate parents. The goal is to get the parent to recognize the problem and address it in a way consistent with their parenting style. You can’t control everything! Rather, you are confronting parents about an immediate situation that had a negative effect on you and probably other people, too. Once the bad behavior has stopped, the incident is over as far as you’re concerned.

9. Remember to say thank you. If the parent addresses the problem or at least tries to, a quick “Thanks” or “I really appreciate it” is recommended as a polite gesture of incident closure.

10. Lastly, the phenomenon of behavioral problems in children cuts across all racial, gender, and socioeconomic divisions. If you’re confronting parents about a child's behavior, you should be “equal opportunity” about it. Don’t let racial discomfort, for example, stop you from confronting parents. On the flip side, don’t single people out based on perceived social characteristics that are unrelated to the behavior. A misbehaving child is a misbehaving child.